Today I learned that my brother was getting married. Did he bother to tell me? Nope … but it’s all over “Myspace,” my youngest brother knows, yet he doesn’t bother to tell his sister.
I grew up in a house where it was ok to beat the hades out of me, degrade & insult me. Hulimate me in so many ways it was not even funny. Never could you do that to my brothers, and any attempts would cause you to have more pain or harm or it could be both.

I don’t dispise my brothers, because it wasn’t them who did this … it was my parents. They didn’t want a daughter they wanted sons, only sons.

A short time ago, my mother actually used my stroke against her family. But in the end, not even she cared enough about what happened. As long as SHE didn’t create the problem … yes, she actually had the nerve to ask me that. “Did I do this to you?”

As a child I was assaulted, but my parents never knew. Their only daughter was assaulted, torn apart by some freak who had a thrill for little girls … yet, they never knew. When my mother was told, she called me a “whore.” Yep, that is what it means to be assaulted in my house … the person who gave birth to you calls you an horrid name.

When I was raped as a teen, I kept my mouth shut. I made sure I wasn’t pregnant, hope & prayed that I wasn’t diseased, picked myself up & continued on with my life. After all, you learn pretty damn fast when it comes to them. You tell them what happened & they demean you for it.
I had to do that twice as a teen. After that, I wouldn’t let them that close to me or alone with anyone. No dates, not car rides home, nothing that would put me in that position again. Because although you can learn to pick yourself up, you can only take so much when it happens.

Psychologically it was hell, emotionally it I was a walking time bomb, & physically I was torn & shattered.

The abuse I got from my “oh-so-loving” parents didn’t even touch the skin at this point. I wanted them to just kill me, I hoped that they would at one time … ironically, I survived though it. Learned to be a better person, or so I thought …. As I walked into a marriage to an abuser. Guess that is why my parents & him got along so well … huh?

4 years of that hades, & when he wasn’t able to kill me or make me kill myself … it was over.

Now I can go into massive detail in some areas, some I am missing thanks to my stroke … but in the end, I came out a survivor. The proof is my stroke, I didn’t need them when it happened because I raised my children in the right way to be caring & loving individuals … they were there for me, no anyone else.

In the end, I became better. Yes, there are scares ones that will never heal in the way they need to. Yes, there is feelings of hurt, no matter how much you try someone always has to slip into who they were bring them back to the surface. But in the end, I survived to become an amazing mother & wife, a person who has a broad range of feelings & who understands more than most could or want to.

I do not use the abuse, assault, rapes, or my strokes as a “pity me” tool because they are who I am, they helped build me into the strong person I am. With out that, I wouldn’t be able to survive any of what I have as an adult.

Knowing all that, when I learned after making attempts, time after time, that my brother was getting married via a “myspace” page … I was happy for him, I want him to have love & happiness. But I cried because all the attempts I had made were worthless. This had just shown it to me.

As his sister, I wasn’t important enough to tell but the rest of the world was. I told them, I have been so patient with them … I just don’t have that patience or time any more.

She will teach him so much in life, one day he will understand about so much. She makes him smile like no one has seen him do in a while. From this step in his life, he will learn so much. It will be simply amazing to see what will be there later … pity, he won’t be involved in my life.

5 Positive Things:

* acceptance of life

* happy for my brother

* I had a bum day

* I have 3 days off

* Who really cares, life it simply amazing